Pengasih

I don't know whether this is a sign of a sick heart, but I can't find my heart moving hearing sermons. I have so many excuses, and I don't know if these are also signs of a sick heart - the preachers are too loud, they are too judging, the topics are always the same..

I don't know if I've strayed too much, I can't find a connection with people loudly claiming to fight for the religion. I find them too judging, too harsh. Perhaps it says too much about my heart that I am even judging them like this.

If it wasn't for some scholars who preach for the same tolerant sentiment as my heart agrees to I would definitely believe that I've strayed too far from the path.

Oh Allah please have mercy on me. I am having a crisis from being surrounded by contradictions. I want to be closer, I want my heart to be softer, but I find it hardening even more reading up harsh posts by people of the faith even in light of tragedies.

Lately I've been remembering the story told by Sh Hamza Yusuf, of a Muslim flight attendant who had to serve liquor, but she used her left hand - trying her best to adhere/defy.

This remembrance is brought up because, after a long moment of feeling far away, I was almost moved to tears listening to a song, which was composed by a singer before his 'hijrah'. The song, pleading mercy from The Most Loving, for humankind who are in desperate need of a guidance back to the straight path.

Feeling desperately a sinner for feeling far away, I relate so much to the song. Even when I am sinful, especially when I'm sinful, I am desperately in need of His mercy. What does it say about my heart when I am moved more by a song than a sermon?

I don't know.