Losing one's father without being able to remember his presence at all.
When I was younger I wasn't sad, because I didn't have any reason to be sad. There was not a dad-shaped hole because I never knew him enough (I don't remember enough) for me to be sad.
With time the fact of a loved one's passing becomes easier to face. I think you never get over being sad, but it is no longer a devastating feeling that stays with you at all times.
With time I changed from not being sad to feeling a big sense of loss. He had passed away more years than he ever lived, and I'm missing his presence more than I ever had. I have no point of reference on how big this dad-shaped hole should be, another fact that griefs me.
I loved someone before. An emotional high that I didn't know I was capable of feeling. I don't know whether I'll ever feel the same way again but I am thankful for having experienced it.
I don't know what I'm missing with the fact that I am missing a dad. I have no reference, I have no memory, but I miss him, very, very much. It is not a feel that stays with me at all times, but at days like these it feels even more so.
"Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, cucurilah rahmat ke atas roh ayahku."
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