Karena Hati Telah Letih.

Once upon a time in the intersection of situations, scenes, and on-going pop music calendar... a melancholic song made sorrowful with violin renditions and haunting vocal was the background of a heartbreak I found myself in.

Umrah: Our Journey

1-12th March 2023. Dates to be remembered.

Alhamdulillah after 27 long years, me and Mama finally made it back to the sacred grounds, sacred mosques of Masjid Nabawi and Masjidil Haram. This time with Insan, whose presence brought much help and comfort to us both.

We took the trip with Azzuha, under the guidance of Ustaz Fathi Yakan and I couldn't praise the team more. Our hotels were comfortable and near, flights went without delay, and ground transportation were also very good.

1st March, Wednesday, KL to Madinah

Aiman, Wani and little Faqihah sent us three to the airport. Before that a breakfast trip with Izzul and Atiqah at Mcdonald's near Izzul's house. At the airport they waited until we had to go down the boarding gates - cue tears from me, having to be separated from precious niece. Flight was on time at 3.25pm, a chartered MAS plane exclusively for transporting umrah pilgrims to Medina. I was starving, it was way past my usual lunch time and luckily meals were served early. We landed late at night, and by the time we arrived at our hotel, we were exhausted. I couldn't think about eating, and just wanted to rest. Alhamdulillah our hotel, Movenpick Al Anwar was very comfortable and spacious and it was a restful sleep.

2nd March, Thursday, Madinah

Woke up extremely early, for Subuh prayer. The mosque entrance was a short distance from our hotel, but the women's praying area near us was crowded. We tried to go in but it was so full that we had to exit and pray at the prayer area outside. It was morning, and still cold with some breeze. You can hear crickets and when the azan was called out, it was goosebumps inducing. Here, typing and thinking about this, I just feel the need to cry. There was a short walking trip organized by our mutawwif, visiting nearby mosques that morning. It ended early so we walked back to our hotel room for another break.

For Zuhur we tried another door. Women's praying area inside the mosque from door 25 has lesser crowd, and we prayed comfortably here. Other times we tried the nearer door but almost always the area was crowded. So door 25 was mostly our choice eventhough it was a significant distance from our hotel. During Maghrib, praying area was crowded. I had to pray on the floor/not on the carpet. It was also full from people breaking their fasts. Alhamdulillah after Maghrib, some crowd left the mosque so me and Mama were able to move towards the carpeted area. Here we met Makcik Ramlah from Melaka, coincidentally from the same group as Amir and Anis (who went earlier, to Makkah first and was now in Madinah). She, like many people from Melaka was friendly, dan rajin bercerita. Among many people we met in this trip, I remember her the most.

3rd March, Friday, Madinah

We prayed Subuh as usual, and in the morning, Amir and Anis dropped by with breakfast food. It was so good to meet them here in Tanah Haram. We promised to go for Friday prayer early and to meet Anis inside door 25. We came very early, almost 2 hours before. We stayed, read some Quran, talked to Anis, rested, drank zamzam.. but here Mama's cough is becoming more noticeable. After the Friday prayer, we decided to sit and wait until the crowd is thinner. Suddenly I see bright lights coming from above. They opened the mosque's dome and I could hear crowds gasping (me included).

We decided to eat lunch together with Amir and Anis. Amir wanted to bring us to a restaurant nearby. But it was the beginning of 10 days school holiday in Saudi Arabia (plus it was Friday) and there were huge crowds everywhere. Roads were also closed making our trip so much more difficult and longer. When we reached the restaurant, there were so many customers, and we had to wait for an available room, and then wait for our order. Poor Amir had to literally go inside their kitchen to fight for our food. Mama's conditions were worsening, she was shivering inside the restaurant. By the time we made it back to our hotel, we decided to pray Maghrib & Asar inside our rooms as Mama was totally exhausted.

4th March, Saturday, Madinah

In the morning, Mama was still exhausted, so me and Mama prayed Subuh in our room. We also skipped the Masjid Quba', Ladang Kurma trip and sent Insan to represent us. Come Zuhur, Mama was still not well. I was in tears going to the mosque alone. I told our mutawwif about Mama's condition and he said he'll send a wheelchair to our room, because our Rawdhah slot was that night. By the time Asar came, Mama was still not feeling good, and I went alone again. I met Amir on the way to the mosque, he came from his hotel to look at Mama.

When I came back, Mama said Anis will help push her wheelchair for the Rawdhah slot. This will give Anis the chance to enter Rawdhah since she had to skip her slot previously. So that night, Anis went undercover, wearing Azzuha tag and pushing Mama while I queued with Anise and Hajar. It was such a challenge with people pushing and cutting queues. I brought a chair (paid by Insan) and in the rush and excitement of finally being in the holy area, I left the chair against one of the pillars. Niat sedekah la. I had so many mixed feelings, and so many sadness, and such deep longing and just didn't want to leave, and wanted to pray about so many things..

But, there were so many other people waiting their turns, so after a short 2 rakaah sunnah prayer I stood up and left the area. God is Great, I saw Anis, eventhough we took two separate entrances and it had been 2 hours since. So I went to her, and went to Mama and we exited together. Just right at the exit, we saw Amir, he had been waiting. They were supposed to pack their bags, and take the bus to airport that very night and so after pushing Mama near to our hotel, they left. 

5th March, Sunday, Madinah

This morning, Mama was feeling a bit better. So we decided to make our own way to Masjid Quba'. I told our mutawwif and he said, instead of using the Careem app, he'd nego a cab for us as it would be cheaper. We went early, already ready by 7.30 am. The cab took us to Masjid Quba', and waited until we were finished to take us back to our hotel, for 50 SAR. 

We then decided to do some shopping. On the way, we stopped in a pharmacy and I told the pharmacist how Mama has been coughing non-stop and the herbal cough medication we bought before didn't work. So apparently the stronger drugs need prescription so they set-up and online consultation with a doctor via their app. I described her conditions (in English) to the online doctor and finally Mama was given stronger cough meds, painkillers and antibiotics.

Inside the shopping mall, we didn't buy much. A prayer mat, a tasbih for Nenek, a jubah for Faqihah. That was the extend of our buying. We also had some kurmas ordered with Amir. Throughout this trip, most of the time Mama was not well, and with her conditions I didn't have any feeling to go browsing for merchandises. I spent most of my money on milk, yogurt drinks, chocolates and paying for scooters for tawaaf. And oh, a sejadah sandar. It was beneficial for the long iktikafs in masjid :)

6th March: Monday, Madinah to Makkah

We started our Subuh prayer near door 25, since Mama wanted for us to try the door 32 that they said can bring us close to Rawdhah afterwards. However after the prayer there were so many people that we decided to just go back. Then we did our Zuhur prayer near door 25 and we exited from 29. We went near the green dome to say goodbye to our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW.. and I cried and cried, grateful for given the chance to visit, sadness for having to leave. Oh Allah take us back, again and again until finally our end come and in the Hereafter allow us to meet and be with him, our beloved Nabi Muhammad.. amin..

We took a cab to Madinah train station for our Harramain Express speed train. Despite my love for aviation, high-speed rail is THE superior mode of transportation. The legroom was superior, seat so comfortable, and you could actually look outside and see scenery and not just white clouds. It took just 2 hours vs 6 hours by bus. At the train station, we took another cab to the hotel. The driver warned us that roads to the hotel were closed since it is Maghrib and our hotel is just next to the mosque. But when we arrived, the police guarding the road entrance (that was actually closed!) relented and opened the barrier just for our van. MashaAllah.. we were so blessed with so many help by Allah throughout this journey.

We arrived and people were in the middle of prayer right on the street. We waited until the bus group arrived and checked in to our room, Safwah Royale Orchid hotel. It was comfortable, not as excellent as our Madinah room but still very good. We only had a short time to prepare, and eat some kunafa and then we went down to start our umrah.

It was.. so many people. Later we only discovered it was Nisfu Shaaban. It was very very difficult at the mataaf area. People moving in group, people pushing, people doing live video calls (I really wanted to judge, really, but.. if it was just once in a lifetime opportunity, I can somewhat understand). I held on to Mama reallyyy tight, and inside my telekung, I actually had my elbow extended. I didn't want to but for those who pushed me, I actually pushed back. I had to take care of Mama. I was sweating through, and it was difficult to breathe. All thoughts of specific prayers left my head, I only thought about how to navigate around the crowd and keep Mama safe. Alhamdulillah for our Prophet teaching us the best doa. Rabbana atina fid dunya hasanah.. I keep reciting this over and over until my mouth became dry. 

When we finished doing the tawaf, finished the sunnah prayer and went to the zamzam station behind Maqaam Ibrahim, Mama couldn't stand any longer. She was flat out exhausted, and sat against the wall. We had to wait for the rest of the team, Anise, Hajar, Kak Ana and Insan. We were separated very early when doing tawaf, I tried as much as I could to follow the Azzuha group mates but it was short of impossible with the ocean of crowd pushing left, right, and behind. But Alhamdulillah we still managed to finish tawaf safely. The six of us decided to take scooter for sai'e. Mama who said she wanted to walk previously was in full agreement now. But even then, it was a challenge finding the way to the scooter place. Many entrances were closed of. Our poor mutawwif had to walk a long way to send us to the scooter office, and then return back to do his own sai'e by walking. Typing this, I looked back at our WhatsApp conversation, it took around 2 hours to finish tawaf, even at the Level 1 mataaf area.

Even at the scooter office, with the hefty price of 115 SAR per twin-seat scooter, there was a line. I queued while Mama and Insan waited outside. We decided that Mama will ride with Insan, me and Hajar, and Anise with Kak Ana. Payment and receipt process was straightforward but in the middle, when I was right in front of the counter, they suddenly stopped, saying they were waiting for more scooters. But it was just a short wait, and soon we were driving the scooter, which had a tad confusing braking mechanism (releasing the lever instead of squeezing). The driving was also a challenge, there was apparently no age limit for who can drive the scooter so you had young boys treating it as a racing track, zooming left and right, and banging cars from behind. Astaghfirullah.

In the end we finished saie, Alhamdulillah for the ease that was the scooter. Mama cut my hair for tahallul and we completed our umrah. This was the most exhausting and challenging day, finishing at around 2am, but even then it was filled by many blessings.

7th March: Tuesday, Makkah

We did Subuh at our room, totally exhausted from the night before. Breakfast was a banquet compared to the spread in Madinah, but there was no Malay dishes and we mostly ate eggs, sausages, meat.. I was happy looking at the cheese and olives options and would eat them almost everyday. We left for Zuhur early, not knowing where to go. We entered via the same entrance we used yesterday, (which apparently is restricted for those in ihram only. Being ladies it was no problem for us) and turned right. We walked and walked searching for ladies praying area and we found a ladies praying area that was blocked by Qur'an racks but was not carpeted. We sat next to three ladies from Malaysia and they've been there since a few days earlier. Eager for tips, I asked the very kind Farha many questions, and was given tips on where to find carpeted area for praying, place near Kaabah, how to go up the rooftop.. it was such helpful guidance. She said most Malaysians prefer the carpeted area near door 92, because it was cold and comfortable, but it doesn't have line-of-sight of Kaabah. 

Azzuha arranged a trip to Hudaibiyyah that day, but me, Mama and Insan decided not to go. We also sent some clothes to the 15 riyal-per-kg-laundry, we weighted our clothes first so that the prize won't be a surprise (so kiasu). Come Asar, Mama was feeling tired, so I went alone. I decided to try one of the places suggested by Farha, going down the escalator and going right. I saw a carpeted area for ladies but for whatever reason, it was closed for that time. So I ended praying just next to it, in full view of Kaabah :)

Mama was fresher for Maghrib and I wanted to try the door 92, but we left a bit late and the huge crowd in front of the hotel made me unable to orientate and find the door. So we used the same door 5, which was so full of people again, and had to walk very-very far. We finally managed to find a place near the Mas'aa (saie area). Even then, we prayed on the cold marble, but still within sights of Kaabah. We stayed and prayed there until Isya', and I met another lecturer from UiTM Puncak Alam doing her PHD. She gave some pep talks to me, motivating me to go for it. May Allah gives me the chance to start my PHD this year, Amin.

8th March: Wednesday, Makkah

Today, we did our Subuh prayer on the rooftop. It was calming, even with so many people.. being underneath the sky on mosque ground is.. indescribable. May Allah bless me with the chance to experience it again and again. 

There was another trip to Arafah and other places arranged by Azzuha but me and Mama decided to go for tawaf sunat instead. We sent Insan, me and Mama visited those places during our first umrah but this was Insan's first umrah. After Subuh, me and Mama made our way to the scooter place, already deciding to use scooter. We completed three sets of tawaf sunat on the scooter with the duration of 2 hours+. I joked that it was like driving from USJ to Jasin. We were so happy this time during the tawaaf. Mama kept on prompting: okay doa for KHO, doa for Malaysia, doa for Palestin... and I was the one who had to come out with all the doa ideas ahaha..

For Zuhur, we finally discovered the carpeted + cold praying area and there were so many Malaysians there. Ahh I'm with my people. Malaysians, we love our carpet + AC. Then we returned to our hotel, ate lunch, rested. We decided to stay at the mosque from Asar to Isya'. It was long, and even with the sejadah sandar, was a bit tiring. When we returned, Insan was botak. He did his second umrah that day.

9th March: Thursday, Makkah to Taif

That morning, we did our Subuh prayer at the hotel's musolla. Then we prepared for the trip to Taif. There wasn't much to be said about this trip. We visited a mosque, a rose 'factory', ate at a restaurant and visited another mosque for miqat. I think.. next time we'd just skip this trip. It took almost the whole day, was tiring, and I'd rather stay at Masjidil Haram instead. Mama's lethargy came back, her body has rashes all over and her cough came back with more intensity. The long journey to Taif really didn't help :(

10th March: Friday, Makkah

Me and Mama prayed Subuh at the mosque. The imam did sujud sajdah butttt we totally missed it ahhhh. We already discussed it before but when it happened it somehow slipped our minds. After Subuh we did another round of tawaf sunat, this time completing two sets.

Mama wasn't feeling well for solat Jumaat so I went alone with my sejadah sandar. I came early, but the usual praying area nearer to door 91 was full! I had to walk farrr but Alhamdulillah discovered another carpeted ladies area. I love this moment. I was comfortable with my sejadah sandar, my own Qur'an, enough zamzam water, I even fell asleep sitting down.. when I returned from solat Jumaat, Mama already cooked sardin sambal and it was perfect.

I accompanied Mama to do Asar at hotel's musolla because she was still tired, but we did Maghrib + Isya' at the mosque. Mama's lethargy was worsening. After Isya', she laid down on the sejadah, totally tired before we made our ways slowly back to the hotel room. Insan bought chicken and some al-Baik's nuggets but Mama had no appetite.

I started packing up, because our flight was tomorrow. The end of the journey nearer :(

11th March: Saturday, Makkah to Jedah

Mama was still extremely tired so we did our Subuh at the musolla. I started feeling that my menses was coming and was a little panicking because I didn't bring any pads and had no actifast stock left. Alhamdulillah the mini market near our hotel had pads so I stocked up with some chocolates and yogurt drinks. Hajar also had one whole papan of actifast. Life saviour.

Then my menses really did come, so I couldn't do my tawaf wida'. I couldn't believe I would not be able to enter the mosque again this trip :( Mama did her tawaf with Insan, but she was getting weaker. I was extremely worried but tried my best to keep cool.

We checked out around 2PM and made our way to the bus. Our flight was at 1.10 am so we had to kill some time. We were given packed dinner and we ate on a field near Jeddah floating mosque. Then we were told to do Maghrib + Isya' prayer at the mosque. This time, Mama was extremely tired, she couldn't even stand for prayer and was almost crying. I wanted to cry too, but I knew I must be strong. Mama now had rashes all over her body, her face was red and her fingers swollen. The piriton she took did not help and I know she must be injected to help ease her symptoms. I texted our mutawwif that we MUST go and see a doctor, and we need a wheelchair. He arranged it with the ground staff at the airport and once we arrived, there was a wheelchair ready. Alhamdulillah for Insan, he managed all our luggage while me, Mama, the ground staff and our mutawwif went to the airport's clinic. There, I explained to the doctor the chronology of Mama becoming weaker. They frowned at Mama's allergy reactions and decide to do steroid injections. There was no lady attendant so I accompanied Mama at the treatment room. I also asked cough medication for Mama and was given one. There was no payment required, and that was such a blessing. I already transferred RM500 to my BigPay in case we needed to pay.

At the checking gate, the queue was still very long. Insan was holding fort with our bags, not joining the queue yet since we needed to check in together. Mama waited at the side on her wheelchair while me and Insan finally joined the queue. At times I would go to Mama to push her nearer to where we were in the line. Finally at the check-in counter, I told the checking agent that Mama was on wheelchair and he assigned a worker to push Mama to the counter. He put a remark on Mama's boarding pass and then the worker (who spoke good Malay!) pushed Mama to the boarding gate with us following. After we arrived, I asked Insan to give him 20 SAR. Apparently it wasn't enough so I added more. Eh, we already received free medical treatment so this is somewhat fair.

Near the boarding gate, Mama was still very-very tired and wanted to lay down. So we went inside the prayer room and Mama laid down. It was cold and not carpeted so poor Mama :( We waited and when it was almost 30 minutes before departure time I had a hunch that I should go to the front of the gate pushing Mama's wheelchair. So I woke Mama up and pushed her to front. No one was queuing yet, and the agents were still chit-chatting with each other. I couldn't see if our flight had arrive but I wanted to be among the first to board the plane, as Mama was weak and it would be difficult for her to walk if there was already a crowd on the plane.

Seeing me and Mama on wheelchair right in front of their counter, the agent suddenly announced those on wheelchair should start queuing. Not long after that those on wheelchair were asked to board. Me and Mama were not seated next to each other, but she was just right behind me. I was a bit worried but soon Mama was asleep. It was after all almost 2AM when we departed, and I couldn't even finish the meal that was served soon after we departed. I spent most of the flight asleep, I realized late that eh, ada tenet. I replied to Aiman's message on WhatsApp in-flight and amazed him ahaha.

12th March: Sunday, Jeddah to KL

We landed at KLIA right on time at 3.10pm. We were told to wait on the plane by the cabin crew until the person with Mama's wheelchair has arrived. She helped to push Mama all through the immigration gate, the luggage collection, all the way to the airport's exit and waited until Amir and Anis arrived, Alhamdulillah. Amir and Anis drove us back home, and brought the kurma we ordered. Anis checked on Mama and said we should go to KK the next day and not GP. I made an appointment via MySJ for Mama at KK Puchong Batu 14 at 2PM the next day. We ordered Foodpanda for dinner and when we ate the food I said "tak tahulah deria rasa yang tak betul ke, atau makanan ni yang tak sedap". Famous last words.

13th March: Monday, USJ

I woke up late, it was almost 10AM. I reheated some food and cooked eggs for Mama. I went upstairs with food on tray and discovered Mama's condition was not improving at all, becoming worse. So eventhough her appointment was at 2PM, we decided to leave at 11.30AM.

When we arrived at the clinic, it was 12PM, the counter was close for break but I said Mama was really sick so we were pointed towards Emergency. I already had a chronology of Mama's being sick typed down in preparation and as per Anis' suggestion I started with 'we just came back from Umrah'. Immediately we were asked did we go to visit camels. It was a concern because of MERS-COV. The doctor decided to check for Covid and..

Yup, Mama was positive for Covid. Doctor said lethargy is one of the symptoms of Covid, and because Mama's heartbeat was elevated, and there was significant signs of infections in Mama's blood she needed to be warded. She was immediately put on drip, and moved to wait in isolation area. I went back home to USJ, packing stuffs for Mama and doing saliva Covid test. Both me and Insan received negative results. We both went back to KK, I stopped by Petronas to buy breads and food for Mama.

Once we arrived, it was 3PM and Mama was on her second drip bottle, and we still had to wait until the ambulance became available. I still didn't feel good so I asked for my own Covid test, done via nasal by the KK personnel and.. yup, I was positive too. The tiredness I was feeling was not only jetlag, but Covid-induced lethargy. 

By 4.30PM, the ambulance to take Mama to Hospital Serdang was ready. She left, so me and Insan made our way back. On the way home, we stopped so Insan can do his own nasal test and Alhamdulillah he was still negative. Izzul stopped by with oximeter for me and packs of Nasi Ayam. Alhamdulillah for him being near.

So, that was our Umrah journey. It was challenging, especially for Mama. But I'm sure there are great rewards for her, for she tried her hardest, even when her body was not cooperating. And while getting Covid was definitely something we both didn't want, it allowed me some more time to stay in USJ and by the time Mama was discharged I was available to pick her up from the hospital. It also allowed both me and Mama extra resting time. Allah in His infinite wisdom granted us blessings amidst some challenges. Verily, for every hardship there is relief.

For us in understanding.

Maybe..
For us,
Alone and not accompanied,

In this world we are meant to live our fullest life-
Achieve our fullest potential,
Learn to the utmost high,
Understand our deepest self,
Worship with the lightest ease,

And in the next world,
Finally,
Comforted with the closest thee.

syukur.

counting my contentment in health, family, independence, and deen. what i’ve been given is so much, exist even in those spaces not existing. just a perceived vacuum.

The tale of everything that went wrong but ended well

Yesterday I was doing my walk around the campus' lake, something that I like to do whenever I can find the time. I had the lovely company of Aisyah, my colleague. We were talking about traveling and packing and it got me reminiscing of our first day of England 2019 trip with Mama and Nadiah. There were so many things I learned that day, things that humbled me and made me grateful of Allah's blessings.

The 2019 trip was something that I prayed and wished for after the initial 2018 trip with Elyn. It was a place I sincerely wanted to bring Mama to visit. Having Nadiah to go with is the cherry on the top of this amazing plan.

The tickets were bought months in advance, and we planned meticulously. Where to stay, what to eat, transportation options, when to pray. And we had so many fun pre-trip discussions: online and physical. I bought a new phone mostly to take pictures and videos of this trip. On one very memorable occasion, me and Nadiah drove up Genting Highlands originally to buy shoes for the trip. We ended up only taking shoes measurements and buying them during the 11/11 Lazada sale. Another outing that I still remember was a day before our flight, me and Nadiah went to Mydin and we bought food stuffs: sardines, maggi, those 'must-brings' staples. A usually insignificant grocery trip became exciting with our destination in mind.

In my hubris I thought I had everything planned out perfectly. I've printed stuffs, downloaded maps, read many tips, watched many videos, and packed many things but still, we faced so many hiccups on our very first day. Here are some things we (mostly, I) did wrong:

1. Chose the wrong airline for our destination

Don't get me wrong. Singapore Airline is an excellent airline. We chose it partly because that previous year it had won the best airline, overtaking Emirates and Qatar but mostly because it offered a competitive price for the trip. I'm sure hospitality wise those seated at Business/First Class received the best serving but for us at cattle class, the whole experience is as comparable to other similar airlines, nothing glaringly more special. 

Why I felt it was a mistake to chose SIA, the lesser reason is.. the food was meh. We didn't have a choice but to eat the pre-booked halal meal and.. it didn't taste nice *insert all the cliches about Singaporean meals tasting bland*. But the main reason - it was such a longgggg journey from Changi to Heathrow. More than 13 hours non-stop. By the time we disembarked from the trip we were so exhausted and didn't have much mental and physical energy for the next equally challenging trip to our hotel.

 

Just after boarding.

After 13 hours.

 

I know that next time going to Europe it is a better option choosing one of the Middle Eastern airlines.. Qatar, Emirates, Etihad. Then the trip will be split into two, we'd had time to stretch our legs better, have a nice breathe of unrecycled air, the journey won't feel very much neverending and we'd have a choice of meals onboard. 

2. Didn't use the washroom onboard the airplane before it descended

I read about this tip many times but didn't feel that it was very important. When we landed at Heathrow, I went to the airport's washroom and.. lost precious times. It turns out, it pays to be kiasu and run/walk to the immigration booths because the line was sooooo long. I knew I made a mistake when we were among the last to arrive and the queue was ridiculous. The officers were thorough, and so took times with each passengers. It was also Friday night, and only two counters were open. It was 1hour+ until we finally cleared immigration. By the time we went to the bag carousel, it was empty, our bags were already removed. I had to ask the counter to locate our bags - arranged with other unclaimed bags. 

Nasib baik tak hilang.

 

Next time I know I have to channel my inner makcik Bedah and fight to be among the first to disembark the plane. I'd study my plane's seating charts and choose seats near the plane door. I'd empty my bladder 30 minutes before landing, I'd walk quickly on the travelator a la a businessman late for a meeting. I'd be among the first in the immigration line.

3. Arriving late at night in cold wintery London, with no internet

Because of the time lost at Heathrow, and the long time on the underground train (1 hour 30 mins), we only arrived around 11+pm in London. It was late, and Friday night. We didn't have internet in our phones as I was convinced we won't need it. I've studied our trip map diligently and our hotel should be just a few steps away from the subway exit. I've even downloaded an offline map into my phone to be used. We planned to get a UK sim card the very next day so I didn't think much of not having internet for the trip from airport to hotel. I was confident we'd find the hotel easily.

But I guess the combination of severe exhaustion, freezing weather and the cold medication I was taking (I had flu+congested nose) made me disoriented. I couldn't find the way to the hotel. We crossed the streets multiple times in many directions trying to find the right path. It was so cold, we had to open our luggage in the middle of the street to bring out the gloves. We were lost. 

Dekat je, tapi somehow tak jumpa.

 There were not a lot of people walking by so when I saw two blokes, I asked them if they know the way to our hotel. They didn't, but because they have internet in their phones, they opened Google Map and showed us the path. We thanked them, and took some times to brace ourselves before starting again. Suddenly they came back, and said they'd send us to the hotel. 

How grateful were we.. they even took our bags from us and walked the short distance with us. We talked, and they were actually on their way to a pub. They were not British, but they were working in London. Alhamdulillah we arrived safely at the hotel, they even waited until we are safely checked in. People can be amazing. Mama even said "entah-entah malaikat". MasyaAllah.

I know now that it is better to reach the city earlier. It'd be brighter, less cold, and there'd be more people. I would even buy a one day telco roaming plan eventhough it is expensive just so we have data when we need it. Having all the gloves, hot pack, scarves in my carry-on bag would also be helpful, then we won't need to open the big luggage to make ourselves warm.

4. Other stuffs but happy ending.

There were other things that happened too, Mama got stuck at the Aldgate East subway exit gate and we had to ask for help, my payment card was declined at hotel and I had to use another card, and Nadiah's luggage can't be opened with the set password. She had to brute-force the password guessing, 3 factorial it. It was very challenging, but.. all just went away when we finally got to lay down in our beds, snuggling into the blanket, wearing socks and fleece jackets, anticipating our day tomorrow. 

Even when it was difficult, Allah protected us and made sure we arrived safely. Alhamdulillah for the chance to travel. I am so thankful, and I pray there will be more chances again in the future, insyaAllah.

Still Sad

 

Seeing your name get pushed down in my messages.

Training my phone to forget you as destination.

Playing gloomy songs on repeat, messing up my Spotify's algorithm.

Removing you from my status update but wanting you to read them.

Changing your notification tone but hoping it will again chime.

Reading our last conversation and rethinking every words.

Regretting the hurt I caused you but dejected it feels needed.

Mourning our unrealized plans and places we could have visited.

Wishing.

Kisah Berpisah

Tiba di pejabat, berjumpa Anis dan Zaza dan tak sengaja air mata mengalir menceritakan kepergian.

Sebelumnya,

Menahan mengantuk di Lebuhraya Utara Selatan, kuliah Dr Yasir Qadhi mengenai Al-Biruni ditukar kepada nyanyian hingar kumpulan Korea bagi mengelakkan lelap.

Sebelumnya,

Berjalan sendirian ke tapak C-3-3 parking KLIA.

 

Sebelumnya,

 

Bersalam dengan Mama dan Insan di airport, mereka akan diambil sebentar lagi oleh Amir yang bakal tamat syif malam.

Sebelumnya,

Melambai selamat tinggal di pagar perlepasan dalam negeri buat adinda Aiman dan Wani, berpergian memulakan kehidupan baru di Kuching Sarawak. 

 

Selamat bertugas adikku di bumi kenyalang. Moga kalian berdua sentiasa dirahmati Allah dan dilindungiNya. Doakan kebahagiaan dan kesejahteraan keluarga kita selalu.

Parallel

in one universe we are well and together
in another i never knew you and happy with another

but in this one we are, 
walking in parallel,
glimpsing each other,
not meant to cross.

Teaching from Home Thoughts

I thought long and hard about putting this here. But this is worthy to be recorded. And perhaps in 30 years, when I am a pensioner reminiscing memories when I was young(er), I'd appreciate having put this in writing.

We are in the midst of COVID-19 outbreak, still practicing PKP. Classes have moved online since April but we are in a middle of Raya & Gawai break.

I have been highly interested in EdTech since a few years back, therefore moving classes online is not too difficult, technical wise. There are so many interesting tools to support educators. However I've been humbled on how challenging working in perceived isolation is. Having colleagues to talk to, greeting students face-to-face, walking to classes in sights of crowds of students and colleagues.. these are things I took for granted before. It cannot be downplayed how beneficial all these human interactions are for a good working environment. How these all factors in my love of teaching.

Without these faces to connect to, works seem so much of a chore. Things to get completed before the weekend comes. However, I am holding on to that feel of responsibility. I am responsible for the education of these students. So I better do all I can, with the best of my capability, without cheating them of even a little bit of what they should have, to teach. Passion wanes, and I am always so very fickle with mine at the first place. But being responsible? I hope this stays on.

Why was I reluctant to put this all here. The thing is, I am not unaware of how lucky I am to be in this position. How lucky that I am employed with a stable job, one that is doable online. But I thought... all concerns are valid. Especially here in my little corner of a blog. So, there.

Sebuah Entri Rindu Berjalan

Hari ni di FB, ternampak seorang financial advisor bertanya, "What will you do with the money you saved for travelling?"

Hm. Saya tidaklah ada sebuah tabung khas untuk kembara. Ya, saya menyimpan. Untuk pelbagai perkara. Kecemasan, hari tua, masuk rumah, kenduri kahwin. Tapi saya dan tabung ada satu persefahaman bahawa apabila selarinya bintang-bintang cuti semester, musim bunga/luruh/sejuk, dan promosi tiket kapal terbang, tabung 1MDB akan diseluk.

Sebenarnya, saya juga minat membaca mengenai perancangan kewangan. Banyak juga nasihat kewangan yang saya ikuti seperti membeli kereta mampu milik, membayar habis kad kredit setiap bulan, membuat potongan gaji bagi simpanan, menyimpan, simpan, simpan.

Sudah tentu si penyimpan dan si kuat berjalan bertembung.

Untuk menyejukkan hati si penyimpan, rata-rata perjalanan saya dirancang semuanya sendiri, tanpa menggunakan khidmat agensi pelancongan. Saya mengkaji sendiri corak naik turun tiket kapal terbang, mencari tempat penginapan berpatutan, mengkaji peta pengangkutan awam... ahh ianya amat memenatkan! Tapi cukup puas :) Kebiasaannya saya akan membeli tiket sangat awal, hampir 10 bulan sebelum perjalanan. Selain merebut harga murah, ianya juga memberi masa yang cukup untuk kajian tempatan saya.

Satu cara mengurangkan kos kembara ialah dengan memasak. Ini satu topik yang amat kontroversi, terdapat 'seasoned travelers' yang mengeji rakyat Malaysia yang memasak di bilik hotel. Saya faham perspektif mereka, ada risiko kerosakan bilik hotel apabila kita tidak berhati-hati. Namun, saya amat, sangat, sungguh, berjaga-jaga dalam hal ini. Nantilah, di entri yang lain saya ceritakan apa langkah-langkah yang kami ambil ketika memasak.

Sebenarnya selain berjimat, faktor lain adalah kerana muak dengan masakan tempatan. Teringat ketika kami di Istanbul, suatu hari Mama sudah tidak lalu lagi makan sarapan roti, keju, dan buah zaitun yang disediakan pihak hotel. Pekerja hotel yang prihatin siap bertanya, if there's something wrong with the food. Dia berjanji akan memasak omelette untuk Mama bagi sarapan esok hari. Saya, Pak Busu dan Mak Usu mengendeng meminta omelette juga (walaupun saya, personally suka makan roti, keju, dan buah zaitun. Mungkin berjodohan dengan orang Turki? Eh). Esoknya pagi-pagi selepas Subuh mama memasak nasi. Saya bertanya, bukankah kita nak makan omelette sarapan nanti? Mama kata: ya, nak makan dengan nasi.

Berselera mama makan nasi, telur dan kicap.

Fusion nasi, telur, buah zaitun dan keju.

Ingatan PKP

Walau berdepan risiko menjadi seorang 'tone deaf' dengan mengatakan PKP ini terdapat sebuah kurniaan, saya tidak dapat lari daripada memikirkan perkara ini.

Moga tidak dilabel parasit.

Sejak 2014 apabila mula berkhidmat di Melaka, kejadian saya dapat bekerja dan duduk di rumah hanyalah bila saya 'terpilih' (baca: memilih) untuk menghadiri kursus-kursus atau bengkel di kampus Shah Alam. Itupun selalunya tidak lebih dua, atau tiga hari.

Hari ini, hampir dua bulan saya bekerja dari rumah. Alhamdulillah, dapat makan bersama, duduk bersama, sembahyang berjemaah bersama, borak-borak dengan Mama tanpa melalui telefon. Semalam ketika saya sedang duduk menunggu doa selepas sembahyang dari imam Amir, saya terfikir. "I feel the safest at this moment". Paling tenang.

PKP datang membawa pelbagai perasaan; cemas atas keselamatan semua, bimbang dengan nenek di kampung, sunyi tanpa rakan sekerja, bersalah, kecewa.

Tapi saya fikir di masa hadapan nanti saya hanya akan mengenangkan perasaan-perasaan positif; gembira, berani mencuba, cukup, selamat dan tenang.

Ulasan Filem Marriage Story

Minggu lepas saya menonton cerita "Marriage Story" dengan Mama di Netflix. Dua motivasi saya mengajak Mama menonton cerita ini:

1. Filem ini mendapat ulasan yang sangat baik dari rata-rata komen yang saya baca. Kedua-dua pelakon utama dan pengarah/penulis menerima pencalonan di Golden Globe dengan persembahan mereka.

2. Adam Driver.

Merujuk kepada sebab pertama, saya bukanlah seorang yang senang terpengaruh dengan filem-filem "Oscar bait". Filem bagi saya haruslah menghiburkan, dan bukanlah "preachy". Impresi saya (dan ini bukanlah bermakna ianya betul) terhadap filem-filem yang tercalon untuk kategori "Best Picture" adalah ianya bosan dengan isu yang berat. Adik saudara saya mengesyorkan saya menonton filem "Parasite", dengan"plot-twist" yang mengerikan. Ianya turut menerima ulasan-ulasan yang sangat baik. Walaupun saya sedikit tertarik, bunyinya seperti filem ini akan menyebabkan saya rasa tertekan selepas habis menontonnya, maka saya hanya mendengar plot cerita ini dengan "spoilers" daripada Muhammad sahaja.

Namun filem Marriage Story dikategorikan sebagai "comedy-drama", melancarkan beberapa "memes" di internet daripada babak-babaknya. Ianya "intriguing", menimbulkan sebuah rasa minat dan ingin tahu. Sungguhpun begitu, sebab pertama ini sebenarnya tidak cukup kuat untuk menarik saya menonton cerita ini sehinggalah..

Saya habis menonton Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker yang turut dibintangi Adam Driver. Saya adalah peminat tegar siri filem ini. Antara ingatan paling awal saya mengenai Star Wars adalah menonton adegan pertempuran di Endor bersama Ewoks dalam filem Return of the Jedi di RTM. Dengan "Sequel Trilogy" yang dilancarkan oleh The Force Awakens, watak yang paling mengesankan adalah Kylo Ren/Ben Solo. Saya tidak akan menceritakan punca kehampaan saya dengan filem terkini ini, cukup untuk dinyatakan Adam Driver sungguh cemerlang namun keseluruhan cerita ini tidak memuaskan. Ia menyebabkan saya rasa tergantung dan dikecewakan selepas 2 tahun menunggu sambungannya.

Marriage Story adalah satu filem yang sangat jauh dengan Star Wars. Ianya filem yang menceritakan sebuah kisah cinta melalui perceraian. Menonton filem ini, kita faham mengapa dua watak suami-isteri ini memerlukan perpisahan, namun tiada seorang pun dipaparkan sebagai "watak jahat". Charlie (Adam Driver) dan Nicole (Scarlett Johansson) keduanya adalah peribadi yang baik, dan mencuba yang terbaik untuk meleraikan kehidupan mereka secara aman. Konflik berlaku apabila mereka diwakili peguam-peguam cekap yang cukup faham dengan sistem buas perundangan berkait perceraian. Perkara-perkara yang sebelumnya nampak kecil seperti Charlie yang tidak perasan kerusi keselamatan anaknya tidak dipasang lengkap pada kereta sewa, atau Nicole yang sedikit pening selepas minum wain di waktu makan malam dijadikan senjata untuk menyerang peribadi mereka sebagai ibu-bapa di kamar mahkamah dalam menuntut hak penjagaan anak mereka, Henry. Bak kata Nora peguam bagi Nicole, "Sistem ini memenangkan perlakuan buruk".

Ada satu babak yang amat mengesankan bagi saya. Satu malam ketika penggiliran jagaan anak di pihak Charlie, pintu pagar di rumah Nicole rosak dan tidak dapat ditutup. Nicole telah menghubungi Charlie untuk bantuan. Setelah berjaya dibaiki, mereka berdua menolak pagar yang berat itu bersama, perlahan-lahan menutupnya rapat. Satu perlambangan yang amat berpadanan dengan apa yang sedang mereka berdua hadapi.

Filem ini jujur sebagai sebuah cerita mengenai perleraian rumah tangga. Walaupun ia berjaya mendatangkan sebuah rasa sesalan kepada saya sebagai penonton di atas perpisahan Charlie dan Nicole, ianya tidak sesekali menawarkan bahawa mereka akan kembali bersama. Di akhir filem, Charlie dan Nicole berusaha melengkapkan realiti baru penjagaan-bersama mereka, dan mereka berdua juga nampak di posisi yang baik dalam kehidupan baru masing-masing.

Marriage Story memberikan rasa katarsis kepada saya, sesuatu yang hilang tetapi amat diperlukan dalam menyaksikan The Rise of Skywalker.

The Further Escape

They say one of the things you can buy that actually make you richer is to travel. But they didn't tell what comes afterwards, a deep longing for another trip, again and again and again.

These past few weeks I've been attacked by the travel bug. Even though technically we traveled this year, February felt forever ago. I miss traveling so much that I feel like crying. I don't know if the underlying issue is the need to escape reality (and I don't feel like analyzing myself now, much.) The Google Flights website received so many traffic from me, trying to find an interesting place to go within a sensible ticket cost. Alas, the search is still unfruitful.

Early this year we went to London. And Brussels. And Amsterdam. And last year I went to London. And Liverpool. And Paris.

I don't know why, but before I went to my first trip to England & France in 2018, I hardly could say out loud where exactly I'm heading. It felt so very pretentious saying I'm taking a trip to London and Paris. The truth is, I could hardly believe it, that I actually went there, and twice! I fell in love with London in such a deep way, that I had to take Mama there just the next year. It is something about the buildings, and the museums, and just the ambiance. England felt very familiar from the Enid Blyton stories I read as children, and later on all the guilty pleasures Regency Romance I devoured after SPM. Also probably Bridget Jones with a liberal dosage of Love Actually too.

Anyway, as writing is therapeutic and I am self-healing my self-diagnosed travel flu, here are pictures from my 2018 trip, with some captions.

2018. When we arrived, I was so out of it with jet lag, and desperately just
wanted to sleep. But sweet, sweet Uncle Victor actually went out of his
ways to cook for us. So this was actually an early dinner, London time,
but it was around 2am Malaysian time

The next day we had to take a train to Liverpool, but not before breakfast at Uncle Victor's house. Look at that bag of packed fruits for us! Uncle, you have a younger brother tak?

Here is my first picture in England, in front of Uncle Victor's house in Fulham. This where I almost cried, because it. sank. in. The freezing weather and ALL the beautiful buildings around really drove the point that I'm in London. Look at how big that grin is.

Here's my travel buddy, and the one I owe the trip to. Back in 2017, I was planning the trip with someone but it fell through. Then I asked Elyn, do you want to go to UK with me? And guess what she said? Jom. adgasdjkahshgk

Percayalah, ini tengah posing. This is the station nearest to Uncle Victor's. There was a funny story when we wanted to reload our (borrowed from Uncle Victor) Oyster Card. The only operating machine was coins only, and our coins kept on being rejected. It turns out it was old coins, they've changed their notes and coins few years back.

The only picture I took inside the train because I had such terrible motion sickness! I never had it that bad. I guess it was the jet lag and still feeling tired, and our seats were also facing backwards. To make it worse, we were hungry (even though we had breakfast) and bought tuna sandwich with tea in the train. The food somehow made it worse. I still have some trauma with tuna sandwich.

When we arrived in Liverpool, I was still very nauseous so we took the black cab to our hotel. When we tried to pay using the old 5 pounds note, the taxi driver told us it was no longer in use. OHHH barulah faham. I laid down for a little while and when it was better, we took a walk to Albert Dock here, just in front of our hotel. Sigh. I miss this place so much.

More Albert Dock..

Seketul Alin di Liverpool. It was so windy and very cold.

Everton official store in Liverpool One shopping mall. Such a clever play of words. Tapi kalah jugak.

Dinner with Halal Nando's in Liverpool One. Weyyy laparrr.

Waiting for the bus to go to...

Anfield! It was sooo magical. We went to the Stadium Tour (thank you Elyn!) and at the end there was a Gerrard exhibition. I cried watching the clip on Istanbul again.

Saya dengan ini mengumumkan bahawa Klopp is Abah. Eh.

I don't think this can ever be forgotten.

How la this is the staple British food? Patutlah Mat Dan tak mau balik UK dah.

Tengoklah betapa murahnya barangan dapur. Sila jangan convert.

Breakfast at Pret. Sebelum tergigit pastry tak halal.

Jalan-jalan sekitar Liverpool City and seeing some familiar faces...

Back in London. Strawberry singgit je satu pek baq hang! Makan la sampai buncit!

Entrance to Station. Kejadian stesen Tube biasa hangpa pun bukan main lawa.. Manala cheq tak jatuh chentaaa

Dinner at TukDin in London. Imagine being hungry, and cold, and then you get to eat nasi panas-panas with some spicy chicken. Almost heaven.

Uncle Victor melayan kitorang yang nak pergi tengok Stamford Bridge. He parked at a no park zone just to indulge us. Nasib baik tak kena saman.

With a cup of hot coffee from Pret at Hyde Park. Who needs hand warmers when you can have sweet, sweet caffeine? Yang ini pun jaket pinjam.

This was my favourite day of the whole 2018 trip. When we walked along Thames river from Westminster Abbey, to Tower Bridge. I felt so full looking at all the beautiful old buildings, the river, the people.. I love majestic cities. so. much.

Sebelum Spider-man lawan Mysterio dekat sini, kami sampai dulu dah.

Faham tak betapa nikmatnya makan nasi dengan sambal pedas, telur dan timun dekat London? Don't laugh at me when I pack my rice cooker.

Last picture in front of the hotel we stayed near Bayswater. That yellow bag was so heavy, panjang Bismillah we both baca before attempting to bring it down. In the end we were scolded by the guy manning the counter for not asking for help. Selamba je dia angkat turun.

Then Paris. This was Gare du Nord, terminus of Eurostar from London.

Just outside of the station there is this Halal restaurant. I went there alone, Elyn was waiting for our e-hailing driver. Owner was so friendly and know how much we need spiciness in our shawarma.

Inside of the car heading towards our hotel, me and Elyn both can smell the food. And OMG, it was as delicious as it smelled and looked. Seriously, go here and buy if you are in Gare du Nord.

Inside the Metro station heading towards Val d' Europe.

Apparently we didn't take lots of pictures, busy shopping. Jumpa satu geng Malaysians tengah shopping jugak, this one pakcik tengah fikir-fikir nak beli ke tak this one beautiful lamb leather bag. I pun buat hasutan dekat dia "Pakcik, biar menyesal beli, jangan menyesal tak beli." Later, when we stumbled upon each other again I asked his daughter, "Beli tak?" "Beli!" LOL.

As if we can go to Paris and not visit this towering steel. I feel like I can hear La Vie En Rose playing while looking at this picture. It must be all the times I watched Sabrina when I was younger.

From on top of the tower. Cold, cold, cold.

All roads in Paris lead to Arc de Triomphe.

Walking along Champs-Elysees. We entered L'occitane and while we were browsing, I had a moment of self-awareness and said to Elyn: "We are actually shopping in Paris". Macam Mak Datin gitu.

In front of the Louvre. I was standing on something here.

Soooo many historical paintings and it is such a waste not knowing much about them. I feel like I could've appreciated them more if I know their stories. Next time I must follow a guide. We got to see the majestic Monalisa though! Cue Da Vinci Code.

One of the many bridges across the Seine.

The two majestic towers of Notre Dame.

Halal Vietnamese restaurant near our hotel. But the chicken is fake chicken meat?? The texture is not the usual chicken texture. Probably chicken-flavoured something.

Suddenly it was time to go home. So sad. This was our meal at the CDG airport because I know I would be hungry waiting to be served on the flight. Sos cili bawak dari Malaysia.

We looked for a place to do prayer at the airport and found this secluded area. Not long after someone else had the same idea as us.

Emirates in flight entertainment, the top hits in UK back in 1997. When Prince William was still good looking and not a cheating sc*m. Berani kau curang terhadap Kate yang gorgeous tu.

In-flight meal. Eh, bolehlah.

And that was it. I do feel so much richer for having been on this trip. I thank Allah for making it possible... and thank you so much to Elyn too. I am so blessed.

When I need to, I'll post about the 2019 trip. May all of us be given the opportunities to travel too, again and again.